For the past 12 years, I’ve been navigating, coaching, and occasionally crash-landing into the world of alternative relationship structures. I’ve seen CNM (Consensual Non-Monogamy) blossom into breathtaking partnerships, and I’ve also watched some crash and burn. Love is messy, relationships are complicated, and there is no one-size-fits-all approach—only the one that works for you.

The Myth of the “One and Only”

We’ve all heard it: “You’ll find The One someday.” Society loves its neat narratives about love—monogamy, lifelong partnership, happily ever after. But here’s a little secret: you’re not limited to just one way to love. You can have multiple deep, meaningful connections. You can design relationships that reflect who you truly are, rather than cramming yourself into a mold that doesn’t fit.

That’s where CNM comes in. It’s an umbrella term covering everything from polyamory to open relationships, swinging, relationship anarchy, and other arrangements where love, sex, and connection happen beyond the traditional couple format—with mutual consent and transparency.

Dr. Elisabeth Sheff, a leading researcher on polyamorous families, puts it perfectly: “People in consensually non-monogamous relationships often report greater levels of communication, honesty, and self-awareness than those in monogamous ones.”

Let’s take a stroll through some CNM structures, shall we?

1. Polyamory: Love Multiplied, Not Divided

Polyamory is the art (or sometimes chaos) of loving multiple people at once, ethically and openly. Relationships can be hierarchical (think primary, secondary, etc.) or non-hierarchical (everyone on equal footing). Some folks have triads or quads, others have sprawling networks that look like a relational Venn diagram on steroids.

Pros? Emotional depth, more support systems, and personal growth. Cons? Scheduling nightmares. Ever tried planning date night when four people have full calendars? You’ll need a Google Calendar degree.

2. Open Relationships: Freedom with a Side of Commitment

Open relationships come in many flavors, but the general idea is that partners maintain a committed relationship while allowing for outside sexual or romantic connections. Some people prefer casual encounters, others explore deeper bonds.

The key? Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. What’s allowed? What’s off-limits? Clarity is essential, otherwise, you’re playing emotional Minesweeper.

3. Swinging: Recreational Intimacy

For some, non-monogamy is less about love and more about adventure. Swinging typically involves couples engaging in sexual experiences with others—whether at parties, clubs, or through arranged encounters. Unlike polyamory, emotional attachment is usually not the goal.

Common misconceptions? That it’s a free-for-all. Swingers are often some of the most boundary-conscious people out there. Plus, communication is everything—imagine trying to coordinate a four-person rendezvous without it!

4. Relationship Anarchy: No Rules, Just Love?

Relationship anarchy (RA) is the punk rock of CNM. It rejects predefined roles, prioritizing autonomy and individual choice over labels. No one relationship is automatically “more important” than another just because of romantic or sexual ties.

Does it work for everyone? Nope. But for those who thrive in a system without hierarchies and traditional structures, RA can be deeply freeing.

The Beauty and the Beast of CNM

Here’s the truth: CNM isn’t easier than monogamy. It’s just different. Some of the most beautiful relationships I’ve witnessed have been CNM—built on radical honesty, self-awareness, and the kind of deep, intentional communication that would make a couples’ therapist weep with joy.

But, I’ve also seen CNM fail—spectacularly. The biggest culprits? Lack of communication, insecurity, and dishonesty. Jealousy isn’t exclusive to monogamy, and if you don’t deal with it head-on, it will eat you alive in CNM.

Jessica Fern, author of Polysecure, reminds us: “Attachment wounds don’t magically disappear just because we open up our relationships. In fact, non-monogamy often amplifies them.” This means if you’re bringing past traumas, insecurity, or avoidance into CNM, it’s going to get messy fast.

Is CNM for You?

Maybe. Maybe not. CNM isn’t a “more evolved” way to love, just like monogamy isn’t the gold standard. It’s about choice. And that’s the magic of alternative relationships—you get to choose what’s right for you.

If you’re curious, start small. Read books, listen to podcasts, talk to people who have lived it. And most importantly—know yourself first. If monogamy makes you feel stifled, CNM might be worth exploring. If you thrive on deep, singular commitment, monogamy might be your best fit.

At the end of the day, as I’ve said more times than I can count, there is no right way or wrong way to living an intimate life…there is YOUR way.