We’ve all had those moments in relationships where we pause and think, “Wait… am I losing it?” You know, when you bring up something that hurt you and the other person tells you it didn’t happen like that—or worse, that it didn’t happen at all. You start second-guessing yourself, questioning your emotions, even doubting your memory.
If that’s sounding familiar, you might be asking a very real, very loaded question:
Am I being gaslit?
Let’s break this down—because emotional abuse doesn’t always show up in bruises or shouting matches. Sometimes, it’s quiet. Subtle. Even seductive. But the impact? It can be just as damaging.
Gaslit
What is Gaslighting, Really?
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where someone makes you doubt your own perceptions, memories, or sanity. It’s not always malicious or intentional—but it is always harmful.
The term comes from the 1944 film Gaslight, in which a husband manipulates his wife into thinking she’s going insane by dimming the gas lights in their home and denying that anything has changed.
In modern relationships, gaslighting might look like:
- “That never happened. You’re imagining things.”
- “You’re too sensitive.”
- “You’re crazy. Everyone thinks so.”
- “Why are you always making a big deal out of nothing?”
Want to explore whether your relationship dynamics are healthy? Check out this post on what sex and relationship coaching really looks like.
Red Flags That You Might Be Experiencing Gaslighting
As an intimacy coach, I’ve sat with countless clients who felt emotionally disoriented in their relationships. They weren’t sure what was wrong—they just knew they didn’t feel like themselves anymore. And time after time, gaslighting was at the root.
Let’s explore some of the more subtle signs that gaslighting may be happening:
1. You Constantly Second-Guess Yourself
You used to trust your gut. Now, you find yourself unsure about everything—from how you feel, to what you remember, to whether you’re “allowed” to be upset.
If you’re always wondering, “Was it really that bad?”, there’s a good chance your reality is being warped.
2. You Apologize… A Lot
You say “I’m sorry” like it’s punctuation. Even when you’re not sure what you did wrong, you apologize to keep the peace, avoid conflict, or just because you feel bad all the time.
3. You Feel Confused, But You Can’t Explain Why
There’s this underlying fuzziness in your brain. You feel foggy, scattered, maybe even numb. You know something is off in the relationship—but you can’t quite put your finger on it.
Gaslighting works by disorienting you. And confusion is its favorite breeding ground.
4. You’re Always “Too Something”
Too sensitive. Too emotional. Too dramatic. Too needy.
When someone consistently labels your valid emotional responses as excessive, they’re not giving you feedback—they’re minimizing you.
5. Your Confidence is Quietly Eroding
You used to feel grounded. Capable. Clear. Now? You feel small. Unsure. Like you’re walking on eggshells or waiting for the other shoe to drop.
This kind of internal erosion doesn’t happen overnight. It builds slowly, often unnoticed—until you wake up one day and wonder where the hell your self-worth went.
What Gaslighting is NOT
What Gaslighting is NOT
Let’s clear up a common misconception: Not every disagreement or miscommunication is gaslighting.
Healthy partners may have different memories of the same event. They might challenge your perspective or express their own hurt. That’s not gaslighting. Gaslighting is a pattern—and its goal, conscious or not, is control.
The difference lies in intention and impact. Gaslighting is not about getting on the same page. It’s about making you feel like you don’t have a page at all.
Why It’s So Hard to Recognize (and Leave)
Many people think, “If I were being emotionally abused, I’d know. I’d leave.” But emotional abuse, especially gaslighting, doesn’t start with obvious red flags. It starts with love. Charm. Connection. The abuser often builds intimacy first—and then slowly begins to undermine it.
Plus, gaslighting often mimics the dynamics of past trauma. If you grew up in an environment where your feelings were dismissed or your reality was questioned, gaslighting in adulthood might feel eerily… familiar.
In those cases, your nervous system might register the manipulation as “normal.” That doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means your body learned survival strategies—and now it’s time to unlearn them. For more on how past emotional wounds affect connection, explore fear of sexual intimacy and why you might pull away even when you want closeness.
How to Reclaim Your Reality
So, what do you do when you realize your reality has been distorted? You reclaim it. Gently, fiercely, and with support.
Here’s how to begin:
Start Writing Things Down
Keep a journal or notes on your phone. Document what was said, how you felt, what actually happened. This is about creating an external source of truth—something gaslighting can’t erase.
Name What’s Happening
Call it what it is. “This is gaslighting. I’m not crazy.” Naming the abuse is the first step toward untangling yourself from it.
Validate Your Feelings—Out Loud
Even if no one else hears you. Say things like:
- “It’s okay to feel hurt.”
- “I know what I saw. I know what I heard.”
- “My experience matters.”
These aren’t just words. They’re acts of self-rescue.
Connect With Safe People
Gaslighting thrives in isolation. Find at least one friend, therapist, or coach who can mirror your reality back to you when you start to doubt it.
As therapist and author Terrence Real says:
“We’re only as sick as our secrets—and gaslighting makes everything feel like a secret. Healing starts with telling the truth.”
Setting Boundaries After Gaslighting
Once you begin to reclaim your truth, you’ll probably feel the urge to set some boundaries. And that’s a good thing. But here’s what no one tells you:
Your boundaries will make someone who benefitted from your confusion very uncomfortable.
Expect resistance. Expect pushback. But don’t let that stop you.
Boundaries might sound like:
- “I’m no longer available for conversations where my feelings are dismissed.”
- “If you continue to question my memory or experience, I’m going to end this conversation.”
- “I need space to reconnect with myself. I’m not asking for permission—I’m taking it.”
This is your line in the sand. You’re allowed to draw it.
Setting Boundaries After Gaslighting
Rebuilding Intimacy After Emotional Abuse
Let’s say you’ve named the gaslighting, set some boundaries, maybe even ended the relationship. Now what?
Rebuilding intimacy—especially with yourself—takes time. Gaslighting can leave you feeling disconnected from your body, your needs, even your capacity for love.
This is where somatic coaching can be powerful. As a practitioner, I often guide clients through body-based exercises that help restore trust in their own sensations and intuition. It’s not just about thinking your way out of emotional abuse—it’s about feeling your way home.
Start small:
- Place your hand on your heart and ask, “What do I need right now?”
- Notice when you feel calm, warm, or expansive—and build from there.
- Practice receiving affection, praise, or care without deflecting it.
These are the early, quiet steps toward wholeness.
You Are Not Crazy. You Are Not Broken.
If you take nothing else from this blog, let it be this:
You are not crazy.
You are not broken. You are not too sensitive. You are not imagining it. You are not the problem.
You are someone who was taught to question themselves—and now you’re unlearning that. You’re reclaiming your truth. And that is some of the most courageous intimacy work you’ll ever do.
If you’re ready for support, reach out. Whether through therapy, coaching, or community—there are people who will believe you. Who will hold you. Who will never ask you to shrink.
You deserve relationships that honor your reality. You deserve to feel seen. You deserve to feel safe.
Always.
Need support untangling from emotional abuse or rebuilding intimacy after gaslighting?
As a trauma-informed intimacy coach, I support clients in reclaiming their bodies, their boundaries, and their self-trust. Book a free discovery session today. Let’s bring you home to yourself.
Andre Lazarus is a Certified Intimacy, Sex and Relationship Guide, trained Surrogate Partner, as well as Sacred Intimate with 9+ years of experience helping individuals and couples discover their intimate and erotic power. Andre specializes in erotic desire, sexless relationships, sexual trauma healing, erectile concerns, rapid ejaculation, BDSM, consensual non-monogamy, and more.
Book a discovery call and enroll into my courses to discover a deeper connection to yourself and your partner!
