BDSM isn’t what you think it is.
If the first image that comes to mind is someone in leather wielding a whip while Enya plays in the background (okay, maybe that’s just me), I lovingly invite you to broaden that imagination. Because the world of BDSM—bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, and masochism—isn’t just about pain or punishment. It’s about pleasure, presence, and profound connection.
And often? Way more pleasure than people ever imagined was possible.
Your Gateway To Unbridaled Pleasure
The Most Up-to-Date Definition of BDSM
According to the most current understanding in sexuality studies and inclusive kink communities, BDSM is a consensual and negotiated practice that can include elements of power exchange, sensation play, restraint, and psychological role-play. It’s not just about what happens in the bedroom—it’s about what happens in the mind and the body, together. (See How to Get Ready for Sex—Emotionally, Physically & Somatically for a deeper dive into preparing your body and mind for intimacy.)
Or as Dr. Meg-John Barker, psychotherapist and co-author of Rewriting the Rules, puts it:
“BDSM is a form of consensual adult play that can allow for deep exploration of our boundaries, desires, and identities.”
That doesn’t sound scary, does it? It sounds… kind of beautiful. And it is.
Let’s Talk About Consent—Before We Go Any Further
Consent in BDSM is not an afterthought—it’s the foundation. Forget those mainstream portrayals where someone whispers “no” and somehow it means “yes.” That’s not kink, that’s confusion (and potentially coercion).
In BDSM, we use tools like:
- Safe words (common ones are “red,” “yellow,” and “green”)
- Pre-play negotiation (what’s on the menu and what’s absolutely not)
- Check-ins during play (“How are you doing?” isn’t just polite, it’s sexy)
- Aftercare (the tender time post-scene that reaffirms connection and care)
As kink educator and author Midori puts it:
“Consent is not the absence of a ‘no’—it’s the presence of a clear, enthusiastic, informed ‘yes’ that’s ongoing and revocable at any time.”
Got chills? Me too.
Why BDSM Is a Path to More Pleasure, Not Less
Here’s where the magic really begins.
When I work with clients who are curious about BDSM, many are surprised to find it’s less about what’s done to them and more about what they feel—often for the first time in years. Or decades. Because BDSM is one of the few spaces where intensity and vulnerability co-exist, side by side, without shame.
Let’s break down a few reasons why BDSM might unlock pleasure in unexpected ways:
1. It Wakes You Up to Your Body
Most of us walk around a little (or a lot) dissociated from our bodies. Stress, trauma, routine—whatever the reason, we’re often not home in our own skin.
BDSM, especially sensation play (think: spanking, scratching, temperature, or restraint), creates what I call a “body alarm clock.” The right kind of impact, pressure, or intensity can pull you out of your mind and drop you deep into the moment.
That’s where the real pleasure lives—not in fantasy, but in presence.
2. It Creates Permission to Feel More
Sometimes we need a structure to let go. Paradoxically, submitting to someone (or even to a script or role) can be the safest way to unleash our full selves.
You’re not just playing a naughty schoolgirl or a commanding boss. You’re tapping into archetypes that live inside you—and giving yourself permission to embody them fully. The result? Deep erotic charge.
And that’s not even getting into subspace or domspace—the altered states of consciousness that some people enter during intense scenes, where time dissolves and the nervous system is flooded with endorphins. It’s not magic, but it feels like it.
(If you’re curious about expanding your erotic play, this guide on Exploring New Sexual Practices, Multisensory Integration, and the Future of Pleasure offers a great starting point.)
3. You’re Actually Seen—In All Your Complexity
In a healthy BDSM dynamic, nothing is assumed. Everything is discussed. Preferences are explored. Fantasies are named. Soft limits, hard limits, desires, triggers—it’s all part of the conversation.
For many, this is the first time they’ve ever felt safe enough to speak out loud the things that turn them on. And being truly heard? That in itself can be wildly erotic.
As kink author and educator Janet W. Hardy puts it:
“The kink world may be the only place where people are actively encouraged to articulate their wants, needs, and boundaries with clarity and specificity. Imagine if all relationships did that.”
Seriously. Imagine.
Isn’t BDSM About Pain?
But Wait… Isn’t BDSM About Pain?
Sometimes. But pain isn’t the point—it’s the sensation. And for many, that sensation becomes a gateway to pleasure.
Think of it like a massage: a deep, knotted, borderline agonizing one that somehow leaves you floating on endorphins afterward. That’s a lot like a well-done spanking, flogging, or bondage session. Not everyone likes it. Some adore it. And some need to try it more than once to know for sure.
Also? Not all kinks involve pain. There’s:
- Power exchange without impact (like being told what to wear or eat)
- Sensory play with feathers, ice cubes, silk scarves
- Erotic hypnosis, breath play, objectification games
And my personal favorite: service dynamics, where someone finds pleasure in pleasing another, even without touch
A Quick Word About Boundaries
BDSM without boundaries is like skydiving without a parachute: not only unwise, but actively dangerous.
The good news is that boundaries in kink are seen as sexy and sacred—not inconvenient or restrictive.
Before every scene or play session, healthy BDSM dynamics involve:
- Negotiation of what’s on the table
- Exploration of limits (soft = maybe, hard = hell no)
- Disclosure of physical or emotional triggers
- Clarification of roles, responsibilities, and aftercare needs
And here’s where things get really interesting: once those boundaries are in place, you can let go so much more deeply. The safety creates space for surrender.
Who Is BDSM For
So, Who Is BDSM For?
Honestly? Anyone curious.
You don’t need to look or act a certain way. You don’t need leather. You don’t need a dungeon. You don’t even need a partner (solo kink is real and wonderful).
You just need:
- A willingness to explore your body and mind
- A hunger for deep connection
- And a sense of humor (because not everything goes according to plan—wax can spill, ropes can tangle, and safe words can be hilariously misremembered)
A Personal Note
As a somatic intimacy coach, I see people every week who are holding back from their fullest pleasure—not because they’re broken, but because they’ve never been taught that pleasure can be negotiated, cultivated, and explored on their own terms.
BDSM offers a map to do just that. Not through force or fear, but through trust, communication, and a wildly imaginative sense of play.
Kink isn’t a deviation from intimacy—it’s a deeper dive into it.
So if your curiosity is sparked, if your body is whispering “yes” while your brain says “wait, me?”, know this:
You’re not alone. You’re not weird. And yes—you might just be on the edge of more pleasure than you imagined.
Now go explore. Safely. Joyfully. Consensually.
Need help starting the conversation with a partner? Want to explore kink somatically, from the inside out?
I work with individuals and couples ready to step into their erotic power with courage and clarity. Reach out—your pleasure journey starts with one yes.
Andre Lazarus is a Certified Intimacy, Sex and Relationship Guide, trained Surrogate Partner, as well as Sacred Intimate with 9+ years of experience helping individuals and couples discover their intimate and erotic power. Andre specializes in erotic desire, sexless relationships, sexual trauma healing, erectile concerns, rapid ejaculation, BDSM, consensual non-monogamy, and more.
Book a discovery call and enroll into my courses to discover a deeper connection to yourself and your partner!
